A patient reviews her progress in treatment on the eve of her departure

By Sally, 29, from Port Elizabeth on 09 November, 2009

HOW I FEEL ABOUT LEAVING
I am feeling excited about leaving, in the sense that I feel inspired and challenged to take the ‘next step’ which is an inevitability. For the first time since I can remember the prospect of living my life seems to fill me with prospect rather than dread. Although I have some major practical and scary decisions ahead of me, something is telling me that for the first time I have enough guidance from others to help me make the right choices. I feel there is a solid enough foundation to ‘Sally’ to build on.

 

I also feel anxious about leaving the helping hand and ‘cocoon’ of Oasis. Constant help and guidance has become a way of life here for me, even if I did not see them at first, the thought of not having this infrastructure around me 24/7 makes me very nervous.

 

WHAT AM I LOOKING FORWARD TO ABOUT LEAVING?
I am looking forward to interacting with others outside Oasis – especially my family and friends, with my completely new perspective on myself. In the last few weeks I have discovered how relatively easy it is to build the connection with others if I am honest and true to myself. The reward I have felt from doing this has been an amazing feeling. It surely will bring a whole new dimension to my life to be able to connect with my boys, and others, particularly new friends.
I am looking forward to the feeling of freedom and not being constantly ‘checked’ although at the same time this has become a strange comfort zone for me.

 

WHAT AM I TAKING WITH ME FROM TREATMENT THAT WILL HELP, SUPPORT AND INSPIRE MY CONTINUING RECOVERY?
I now know that I cannot trust my own ability to make decisions and that I truly do not have all the answers; that I can ask for help and that if I choose the right people asking for help is not as difficult as it seems.

 

I understand that, although I am an addict and will never be able to use again, I have to continuously keep working on myself as an individual if I want to live a happy and fulfilling life.; that by doing certain things, like continuously being open and honest I can keep on growing and building ‘good’ things on to Sally.

 

I have learnt to identify the sort of behaviour that I use to cover up the real me and lie to the outside world. I have learnt to value the response of others to me as being the main way of detecting when I am doing this.

 

I have learned that I no longer have to hide behind the façade of being something that I am not. What’s more, I have learnt that the Sally that sits behind the façade is actually okay just as she is and that people quite like her the way she is.

 

I have reconnected to my god and truly believe that he does in fact love me and will guide and take care of me, so long as I keep connected to him and so long as I do my bit in the relationship.

 

I can now see more clearly, where a lot of my pain, uncertainty and self-doubt stems from. Understanding this makes it easier not to blame myself for developing the survival mechanisms I put in place for so long. It also is making it easier for me to put them in perspective and work on letting them go.

 

I now know how important it is to protect myself from further painful situations and relationships, and I believe I am a step closer to identifying which situations abd relationships will cause me harm.

 

I have learned also to put in perspective the role others have had in my life, and not to blame or resent them for it. When it comes to family, they knew no better and did their best and when it comes to others, their treatment was something which I allowed through my own defects of character.

 

I now know that there is a tangible, practical program in the 12 steps. By going to meetings and doing the basic maintenance and upkeep it shouldn’t be too difficult to keep myself continuously ‘in-check’ and if I am continuously looking and working on myself, by doing this, then it will be possible for me to keep clean, which – because I am an addict – is an absolute essential!

 

WHAT I WILL MISS ABOUT OASIS

	Constant guidance and support from the counsellors
	The feeling of belonging to a community and always having people around me
	Group activities and daily beach walks
	Routine
	The convenience of meals and laundry
	Learning something new every day

 

WHAT I WILL MISS AzBOUT MY PEERS

	The feedback I get from my peers suffering the same issues as me
	Always having someone to chat to
	The laughs about addiction
	The general atmosphere in the house
	Learning to share and be considerate
	General community atmosphere

 

IN WHAT WAYS HAVE I MADE PROGRESS IN TREATMENT.

	HAVE LEARNED THAT I DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
	HAVE STARTED TO RECOGNISE THE FAÇADE I PRESENT TO OTHERS and how this leads me to lie to myself and to feel empty and how I use on this feeling
	Have discovered that I can possibly accept myself for who I am and don’t have to always prove myself as something that I’m not.
	That others do prefer being around the real Sally and not the joke one.
	That I have to stay open and accept feedback if I am to work on myself
	That it is acceptable to myself and others to be vulnerable
	That I cannot trust myself and that I do, and will always, need help
	That abusing alcohol and drugs was a symptom rather than the cause of my misery