A patient reflects on her three months of treatment at Oasis

By Clare, 21 from Cape Town on 18 December 2009
A patient reflects on her three months of treatment at Oasis

My name is Clare and I have an eating disorder. When I first contacted Oasis, I had no idea that I had a disease called addiction, that there were other people who struggled just like me and that this disease was treatable. All I knew is that I needed help because I could not stop using on my own. I was desperate for recovery.

I remember my first day very well. I walked into Oasis feeling apprehensive and afraid. Apprehensive about what to expect and afraid people would find out about my using. I was full of shame. I expected to have whatever was wrong with me fixed so I could go back to my life and control my eating.

The first thing that my counsellor said was:
"At Oasis we do not work from the head, but from the heart".

It gave me a glimpse into how Oasis works. It was different to other ways I had tried to get over my eating disorder.

In the beginning I was very sceptical about my peers. I was definitely not as bad as they were and, there was no way I had anything in common with them. With that in mind, I sat through group therapy thinking I did not really need it. I did not see the point nor did I understand the language in group: feelings.

Nevertheless, I went in every day and participated. The more I sat and listened to others in group, the more I found I related to what they were saying. I just did not know how to say it myself. I was secretly relieved to hear other people go through what I was going through. I started to value my peers and bring some of my own issues to group. Once I got into expressing what was going on for me, I felt some of that shame slip away. I felt a part of the group and less alone.

In group therapy, I learned that there was only so much I could do myself. If I wanted to change my behaviour, I needed my peers to point out to me what I was doing.

What shocked me most in my experience of groups was that no matter how "bad" I was, no matter what I was confronted with, my peers were still there, the counsellors were still there and the day continued as it always did.

The daily routine at Oasis helped me feel safe even when things seemed to be falling apart for me. The weekly horse riding and outings let me trust that, even if I was having an awful day, I could still enjoy myself and do something other than use, or think about using.

Trusting the process and trusting the counsellors did not come overnight. I followed all the suggestions, ate three meals per day, wrote the assignments, and participated in group; however it was not until I saw it working for others that I actually started to believe in the things that I was doing and that it could work for me too. As I saw others grow, I wanted to grow too. If I had just been on my own in 1-1 counselling, I would not have experienced the magic of seeing other people, just like me, getting it. I needed that bit of hope to believe that I could recover too.

From there, I started to believe that if I just continued doing the next right thing, I was going somewhere and moving away from using. My mind was being occupied with other things like talking to my peers (who by week 10 of treatment I could admit were my friends), talking in group or talking to a counsellor; whatever it was, I had options and choices.

The weekly NA and AA meetings added to what I was experiencing at Oasis. Seeing other people outside of treatment, doing the things I was learning in treatment inspired me in my recovery and gave me hope. It also helped me understand that I was not going to cure my addiction yet neither was I bound to go back to using as soon as I left Oasis. I could practice all I had learned outside the walls of treatment. It was important for me to get this while I was at Oasis, to start using meetings as another place to talk and listen.

My most memorable experience at Oasis was near the end of my stay. I was fed up talking about what I was feeling, it was too hard and I wanted an easy way out. I wanted to give up but I did not want to use. I lost faith in everything that I had felt was working because I was not feeling it in that moment. I thought it was all just fake. I sat with a few peers and my counsellor, raging to leave. I was never forced to stay. My peers and my counsellor did not go anywhere, and I didn't actually want to go anywhere. It suddenly hit me that they cared, and I cared. I wanted to be there. I wanted to stay and I did.

When I finished my 12 weeks, I was ready to leave Oasis and move onto their halfway house, Solar. I was sad to leave and apprehensive about what to expect next. But this time I was not filled with shame and fear about my using. I was proud of what I had learned at Oasis and had hope that things would keep working out if I continued putting into practice what I had learned.

I went into Oasis thinking I had some issues with food and hoping I could get a quick solution. I came out with the understanding that I had an eating disorder, that I was an addict/alcoholic and that addiction was an incurable disease but that there was recovery. My recovery is my own responsibility. The most important thing I got from being at Oasis is that am not alone and that as long as I continue to reach out, there is someone to meet me halfway.